After a long hiatus from blogging, I’m back. And I am so overwhelmed with where to start.
Tons has happened in my life since my last post in 2017, but these are the biggies:
- In January 2018, Adam asked me to marry him.
- In February 2018, my sweet Aunt Donna went to be with Jesus.
- In May 2018, I graduated from college.
- In August 2018, my Daddy went to Heaven.
- In October 2018, I turned 23 and began my first job.
- In December 2018, I became Mrs. Haseley.
- In February 2019, Adam and I embarked on our first baseball season together.
A lot of sorrow, heart ache and suffering. A lot of happiness, accomplishment and celebration.
A lot of change.
I think it’s safe to say I have experienced more growth in the past year than I have my entire life. Not only do I feel like I have matured in everyday life, but I have noticed the greatest growth is happening in my heart.
I want to word vomit on this page everything I learned through my dad’s battle with cancer because there is so much the Lord showed me through his trials, pain and suffering. But today, I am forcing myself to focus on only one revelation.
In His plan, In His goodness, In His power.
I’m embarrassed to write that down. It makes me feel insecure. I must not be a mature Christian if I struggle to believe in His will.
For weeks I journaled about how distant I felt from God, but I couldn’t figure out why. My mind reverted to my old understanding of religion.
I need to go to church more, I need to read my Bible more, I need to kneel in prayer more.
I thought striving would make me feel closer to Him.
I believe sacred practices are key elements in growing near to God and understanding His heart, but my lack of spending time in the Word and prayer was not the root of the problem. My doubt was.
Here’s an excerpt from a journal entry I wrote about a month before my daddy passed away:
My belief in goodness coming from such pain, hurt and sorrow is non-existent. I post on Instagram with captions stating that You have a purpose, You are a Redeemer and You will wipe away every single tear – but I struggle to believe it. I am struggling to give You control because I don’t trust in Your plan. My faith in You is lacking, and I feel distant from You.
I don’t trust in what You’re doing. I have very little faith. I don’t feel close to You.
And that’s when it clicked. It was backwards and I didn’t see it until it was written down on paper.
I don’t feel close to You because I have very little faith so I cannot trust in Your will.
The nearness I was lacking wasn’t because I wasn’t doing enough. It was because I was doubting. I had very little faith. I wasn’t trusting.
I couldn’t surrender my doubts to God until I acknowledged that I had them.
And that’s really hard. Doubt was stirring in my heart for weeks and I didn’t recognize it. I didn’t know it was there. I kept numbing myself by giving the Christian answers:
Everything happens for a reason. God’s plan is good. Consider it all joy.
But truthfully my heart was saying there can’t be a reason for cancer, how can good come from this and what sane human would experience joy in the midst of suffering.
I would force myself to repeat these phrases like a robot, over and over, thinking maybe one day I’ll actually believe them. But in that state of heart, I wasn’t believing them until God rid my dad’s body completely of cancer cells.
And then I wrote those words down in my journal. Words that the enemy tried to tell me made me a non-believer because the devil knew the moment I wrote my doubts down they were in the light and the Lord would redeem them.
Vulnerability with God is more important for us than for Him.
Once I was vulnerable enough to tell God I had doubt, He wasn’t mad at me. He didn’t look down upon me for my lack of faith. He was proud of me for opening up to Him. He was waiting for me with open arms and a warm embrace. He tore down the walls I put up. He radically changed my heart.
I realized that God may not change our circumstances, but He will change our hearts.
The secret to joy is to keep seeking God where we doubt He is – Ann Voskamp
My doubt showed me how desperately I needed God. It showed me how faithful, loving and steadfast His promises are. It showed me that my weakness is strong.
My burdens, my desperation, and my tears forced me into the posture where I could believe He is enough. God is all I need. Nothing on Earth, no human relationship, no amount of money, no nothing could compare to the comfort, the joy, the love that is in Christ.
In realizing that He is enough, I was able to surrender my will. I realized my prayers of healing for my dad may not be answered. I did not doubt God’s sovereignty over cancer, but I realized healing may not be His will this time.
My deepest desire is for Your will to be done on earth as it is in Heaven. Not my will, but Your will be done.
Jesus is so much greater than our doubts. He is greater than our big questions. He will use our disbelief to push us into deeper communion and relationship with Him.
Sometimes when you’re in a dark place, you think you’ve been buried but you’ve actually been planted – Christine Caine
I am so thankful that God opened my eyes to my doubt in time to use it for His glory. I am thankful for His consistency which gave me the comfort to be vulnerable in my darkest moments. I am thankful that He planted me exactly where I needed to be.